I was Baptised today! I’m SOOO happy. I cant help smiling whenever I think of the course of events that has happened today. All the emotions, the joy and the blessed feelings of love throughout the whole house.
haha I’ll never ever forget how deep the Baptismal pool is, and I was so afraid of getting in. I had already started crying before I even walked into the water, and there I see mother in the second row, already crying as well. And the only thing Josh had done was introduce me. Oh mom… (: so cute. Oh Mindy… haha thanks for asking so many people for tissue for my mom to wipe her eyes. ><
My vision was blurred by tears that rolled down my face but I seeked out the face I wanted to see the most, Kristy’s. You gave me the most encouraging smile and I knew I was going to be okay. I am the product of you and Melissa’s work that had shaped me for the last 6 years. I kept running away but I would come back and I am here to stay.
Amanda, Jeff, Robin, and Adriana, Congratulations on being Baptized today as well! I’m so happy to enter this church family together and I’m blessed to call you guys my brother and sisters. I love you guys so much. God has done so many great things in my family’s life and others, and I want to see more of what it’ll bring me to. I’m so excited to lead my new life, although i’m still overwhelmed by everything that has happened today, I know that everyday we will step closer to God together. (:
The testimonies were sure tear jerkers. I tried my best not to cry during my own testimony, and I ALMOST survived it, but I choked halfway through when I was talking about the train tracks. I didnt even realize it til later, that people in the audience who were listening to us, teared up and cried themselves. And here I was trying to keep calm while it was actually okay to let my emotions show. Amanda, you are so brave, and I am so proud of you for who you have become now. I’m so happy that my heart feels like its being squeezed because we are able to share this wonderful and joyous day with someone like you. Our friendship and sisterhood can only grow from here together. <3
Thanks CFC of Hayward! And God, you are the one in charge and my life is in your hands.
I officially don’t know what I want anymore, from anything. I think this is my first time feeling like this, ever. I would like to say, I have always been a person who kind of always had a mind set on something. Whether i say it out loud or tell anyone, I would just know what I want. but maybe not necessarily how I’ll get to it, regardless of even getting to it or not. But I am sure now, definitely not proud to say that I do not know what I want anymore. I have no drive, no motivation for the past 3 days. I feel as if i’m always doing the same thing over and over again, i used to be excited whenever i turn on my mac to see if there is anything new, or anything exciting to hear from you. I’m not easily excited anymore, I dont expect a lot from any of my friends, but at the same time, i’m easily dissappointed, especially in the past few days. I try my best when i’m working so i can get along with my coworkers, but sometimes i hit a point where i know if i let my guard down just a little bit, i’ll crack and will want to have some time away from work. And ill never allow that to happen to myself. I want to be strong. At the same time, I want to carve out time for myself, just for myself. Maybe walk around campus, sit on the back seat of the bus and just listen to music while the bus just loops around campus for an hour, run a little, listen to music while mindlessly wandering in the woods here. Have I really hit a wall? And is no long able to be optimistic about life anymore? I hope not. D: I’m not even 20 yet! ahh.. almost there. speaking of ages… yeah.. 19 is such a weird age, i’m not 18 anymore but 19 still doesnt seem old enough to be taken seriously. and 20 is a weird age too. even then, ill still not be old enough but i’m definitely not a teenage anymore. sighs. Well what ever this is, I hope i snap out of it soon. God, I pray that You give me strength to power through this weird phase of my life. I dont want to be emotionless anymore. I want to be happy and carefree like I used to be, like how i’ve always been.
Today, I asked someone to make something for me, because I thought it would be cool to have it to hang on my door. But I was denied. I personally took so much offense to it. I wanted to leave and just go to the senate meeting instead. I never thought I would hear me saying this to myself again, especially after all that happened last year, but I have to say it after what happened tonight at the dining hall… I dont always get what i want. I’m sorry to the person that i got upset at. Because of what happened, it ruined my night, but i dont want it to. So i’m okay now, just dissapointed i guess. At the level of our friendship, I just never would have thought that you would say no to making it, it took me by surprise i guess. =T
ugh. and i’ve always been careful about not having high hopes and expectations of any kind, cuz it could potentially lead to disappointment. But today, i guess i just expected it and it was wrong of me to.